Part Two: $1,000 to Self-Deport? I’m Packing for Canada . . . NOW!
Law-Abiding Iowan Takes "The Deal"
Iowa City, Iowa. — For Part Two of our satirical article on Trump’s offer of “cash to self-deport,” And Justice For All traveled to Iowa to interview a fictional Iowan about his quest for self-deportation. Here’s what he had to say:
“I’m not undocumented. I was born in Iowa, voted in every election since 2004, and file my taxes early. But two days ago, President Trump announced that undocumented immigrants who voluntarily self-deport using the CBP One app would receive $1,000 in cash.
“I just want to say: My wife and I will absolutely take that deal!
“Do we qualify? No idea. But if there’s any government program that pays us to leave Trump’s America — preferably toward a place with healthcare, functioning public transit, and leaders who don’t scream “HOAX” when science talks — then we will identify as “undocumented" for 15 minutes, no problem.
“We've downloaded the CBP app and uploaded our passports, LinkedIn profiles, and flattering photos of us kayaking — just to speed things up. The app immediately crashed, which makes sense. According to Reddit, about 30 million other Americans tried to do the same thing between brunch and their therapy appointments.
“We’re not undocumented. We’re just tired.
“We're tired of watching the EPA get sold for parts. Tired of being told climate change isn’t real by people who can’t pronounce “emissions.” Tired of “thoughts and prayers” after school shootings, or “Go back to your country” whenever we question whether billionaires should pay taxes, and especially tired of the divisive, “us vs. them” handling of our government and Constitution.
“So yeah. If Trump wants to pay people to leave, we’re ready.
“We’ll take our $2,000 and head for Canada, or maybe New Zealand. Some of us have already formed pod-based emigration collectives. Others are organizing car caravans — not to the border, but to the nearest consulate with a flag that doesn’t trigger existential dread.
“We are not undocumented immigrants. We are former liberals, disillusioned centrists, exhausted Republicans, terrified teachers and parents, and several-hundred-thousand laid-off tech and government workers with no jobs or benefits.
“We are registered voters who’ve been redistricted into oblivion.
“Constitutionalists who know what Article II doesn’t allow.
“We are the future ex-pats of America, and we will leave in peace — as soon as we get our $2,000.
“Just Venmo the moolah. We’ll be on a plane. Or a kayak. Or at the Vancouver Public Library asking how to apply for citizenship, library cards, free health insurance, and lives with fewer nightmares.
“God bless America — from a safe distance.”
Those are the frustrations and opinions of one angry and frustrated American. Where do you stand?
Mark M. Bello is a West Bloomfield, MI attorney, podcaster, blogger, and author. For more information, please visit www.markmbello.com.