Is J.D. Vance Linked to Pope Francis' Death?
An Author's Parody
VATICAN CITY — Today
His Holiness, Pope Francis, has been laid to rest. He died Easter Sunday, shortly after a public appearance in St. Peter’s Square, and a more private meeting with American Vice President J.D. Vance. A chosen few were privy to what was discussed at the meeting, but the Pope’s demise, shortly thereafter, has led to speculation that Pope Francis’s death might be linked to the Vice President’s visit.
The official cause of death was a cerebral stroke which led to irreversible heart failure. However, according to Vatican sources who spoke to And Justice for All investigators on the condition of anonymity, the Pope died of acute spiritual disorientation and ideological whiplash just minutes after his private audience with the VEEP. The Vatican called the incident “a profound mystery of the faith.” Eyewitnesses describe the Pope’s expression post-meeting as a “mixture of bewilderment, despair, and intense Midwestern confusion.”
And Justice for All has worked around the clock, attempting to interview those who arranged and attended the historic meeting. For obvious journalistic reasons, we cannot reveal our sources, but our investigating team obtained exclusive access to the “unofficial and unedited recording” of the meeting. In the process, we have scooped every major fake news reporting agency.
The meeting took place in the Papal Reception Room. For the sole use of our readership, And Justice for All presents a transcript of the recording:
Archbishop Molinari: Are we sure you’re up to this meeting, Your Holiness? The vice-president’s last speech included the phrase “traditional family values... and orbital lasers.”
Pope Francis: Peace requires conversation, even with those who shout anarchy at the top of their voice.
Bishop Hernandez: He’s from Ohio, Your Holiness. Shouting is diplomacy in Ohio.
Molinari: The Appalachian … I mean… American Vice President is here.
Pope Francis: Let us receive him with love. Even if he brings... fireworks.
Molinari: Or a podcast.
(A door opens. Footsteps are heard.)
Vice-President Vance: Your Holiness! What an honor. How y’all say “let’s own the libs” in Latin? Blessings and bootstraps. I’m a big fan of yours—uh—social justice commentary aside, of course.
Pope Francis: Welcome, Mr. Vice-President. Peace be with you.
Vance: And your border policies…By the way, I brought you gift.
(According to witnesses, he hands the Pope a rosary made of bullet casings.)
Pope Francis: Is this made of ammunition?
Vance: Freedom beads, Your Holiness. Each bead's a spent casing from Meemaw’s freedom rifle. It’s blessed by a YouTube priest who once debated a drag queen and won on a technicality.
Hernandez: Is there a Latin word for “meemaw?”
Pope Francis: (According to witnesses, the Pope whispered in Latin to his translator) È un esperimento sociale? (which means: “Is this a social experiment?”)
Translator: TikTok perhaps?
Vance: You know, Your Holiness, the deep state’s been using the Vatican’s font choices to transmit signals to woke AI. It turns frogs gay and Protestant. I cover this in Chapter 6 of my book. Here’s a copy of Hillbilly Elegy” and a sample of patriot-infused dust. Distilled in Kentucky—some American sacraments.
Pope Francis: It is… heavy.
Vance: It’s a long book.
Pope Francis: You believe in demons?
Vance: Only the ones in Silicon Valley…or in gluten, of course.
Pope Francis: Huh?
Translator: He said… something very stupid.
(According to witnesses, Vance now pulls out his phone.)
Vance: Want to hear the podcast I did with a guy who thinks wind turbines are possessed?
Pope Francis: Uh… no.
Vance: He says communion wafers should come in beef jerky flavor. We call it “Meat The Lord.”
(Editor’s note. At this point, Vance began to talk nonstop. Very little of this soliloquy was legible. Let’s call it a “rant.” The Pope struggled to get a word in—he sounded frustrated and confused. We decided to remove this portion for the sake of time and the sanity of our readers.)
Vance: Check this out Your Popeiness:
(According to witnesses, Vance handed over a bumper sticker.)
Pope Francis: It says: “Jesus would have driven a truck.” Thank you, sir. I will consider this a treasure and bury it.
Molinari: This must be a test from God.
Pope Francis: That’s the first thing I’ve heard here that makes sense.
Vance: I’m launching a new Catholic militia: A R-15-mageddon. We hand out tactical rosaries and theology patches. You in?
Pope Francis: You… speak like ten demons arguing in a Walmart.
Vance: That’s my brand, baby.
Pope Francis: Don’t you believe… in grace?
Vance: Only when it’s backed by crypto.
(According to witnesses, the Pope clutches his rosary and this point and slumps in his chair.)
Hernandez: Your Holiness?!
Pope Francis: Oy! No. Can’t be. No. Oy, oy, oy, oy, oy…
Molinari: He’s rambling. Let’s get an IV going.
(According to witnesses, the meeting is paused for a doctor to enter and administer an IV of holy water. Molinari addresses the few reporters in the room.)
Molinari: His Holiness will continue the meeting in the infirmary.
(The tape ends and continues)
Molinari: The Holy Father suffered a severe episode of ideological whiplash triggered by extreme American political theology.
Reporter: Will the Vice-President face any consequences?
Molinari: We’re simply going to pretend this didn’t happen—like the Inquisition or Newt Gingrich’s time in the House.
(A door opens. Footsteps are heard)
Vance: I’m baaack. I just came from an American gift shop. Here’s a bobblehead of a Revolutionist and a musket. Very 2nd Amendment, don’t you think? Wait until I brief the Orange Jesus. May I tell him you’re a MAGA Trumper?
Pope Francis: Oy! Molinari? There will be no audiences for Americans until there’s a regime change … well … maybe Springsteen. I’m going to be sick. Please excuse me.
Molinari: Everyone out! Hernandez? Please escort the Vice President to his room.
Hernandez: Yes, Your Grace.
Molinari: Someone please fetch the doctor, stat!
(All hell breaks loose. The tape ends, abruptly. Shortly thereafter, the Pope has passed. Sources indicate that Vice President Vance has been officially banned from the Vatican, all Jesuit campuses, and over 70% of Europe.)
According to sources close to the papal household, Pope Francis had agreed to meet with the vice-president as part of his ongoing effort to engage global political figures in conversations about justice, compassion, and what the heck is going on in Washington?
Archbishop Luciano Molinari, in the room during the fateful meeting, offered this tearful statement to the press:
“At first, His Holiness was smiling, nodding politely. Then the vice president began quoting his own memoir out loud, referencing ‘hillbilly nobility’ and the ‘deep state cabal controlling Nickelodeon.’ The Pope began to blink rapidly and whispered to his translator, ‘This is the vice-president? From what republic? That republic?’”
“He just kept saying…crazy things.”
Papal translators, seasoned in interpreting everything from obscure theological texts to Donald Trump’s 2017 Vatican visit, struggled to find accurate Latin equivalents for phrases such as “cultural Marxism with a MAGA twist and “the woke Vatican deep state.”
Bishop Miguel Hernández, a translator at the scene, had this to say: “He just kept saying…crazy things. The Pope asked Vance if his political philosophy was inspired by the Gospels. Vance replied, ‘Nah, more like a combination of Andrew Tate and Catholic Twitter.’”
News of the Pope’s sudden death has rocked the Catholic world. Pilgrims have flooded St. Peter’s Square to pray, mourn, and try to understand what precisely was said to cause a man who survived fascism, a lung removal, and decades of institutional infighting to keel over after a single conversation with a rookie vice-president.
“It’s not the first time this Pope has encountered ideological challenges,” said Vatican historian Sister Annaliese Ricci. “But J.D. Vance appears to have been a sort of rhetorical basilisk—speaking a kind of mutant dialect of American grievance politics so internally contradictory it caused papal cognitive implosion.”
Even more disturbing, some Vatican aides allege that, aside from a signed copy of Hillbilly Elegy, Vance gifted the Pope a limited-edition Moms for Liberty commemorative rosary and a flash drive labeled “Jordan Peterson’s Greatest Hits.”
“That may have been the moment His Holiness’s spirit gave up,” said Cardinal Augusto Bellini. “We found the flash drive in the Pope’s hand. The last thing he wrote in his journal was ‘Who is this Ben Shapiro, and why does he talk so fast?’”
The Vatican Press Office has issued an official statement of condolence and clarification, reading in part:
“While the Holy Father passed unexpectedly and tragically, we wish to assure the faithful that he died in full possession of the sacraments, though perhaps not his sanity.”
The Press Office also confirmed that Vance has been banned from the Vatican until further notice:
“It’s not excommunication per se,” said Monsignor Pierro Deluca. “It’s just… we’re being careful. We’ve never encountered a political figure who could accidentally end a papacy without trying.”
Vance Reacts
Reached for comment outside a Vatican gift shop, where he was reportedly browsing “Saint Pius X” merchandise, Vance seemed unaware of the impact of his meeting.
“I thought the meeting was great. I told the Pope my theory that the Eucharist could be used to fight socialism if consecrated properly. He stared at me real hard and asked if I believed in grace. I said, ‘Grace is for people who haven’t read Ayn Rand.’ He suddenly started to gag… ”
When asked if he believed he bore any responsibility for the Pope’s death, Vance shrugged.
“Look, if the Pope can’t handle a little ‘America First’ theology, maybe he wasn’t the right Pope. I mean, Meemaw could take a harder line on gender ideology and she’s been dead since 2003.”
What Happens Next
The College of Cardinals will now convene to elect a new Pope, with rumors swirling about potential candidates who can withstand the rhetorical damage of future meetings with visiting U.S. dignitaries.
“There is talk of installing a Jesuit AI to replace the Pope—something that can run diagnostics when encountering paradoxical right-wing logic loops,” said Vatican tech advisor Father Roberto Linetti. “Or perhaps a Pope who’s already too online to be shocked by anything. Maybe someone from Reddit.”
As for Senator Vance, sources confirm that his next stop is a private audience with the Dalai Lama. International health officials are already on standby.
Is J.D. Vance responsible for the death of a pope? You be the judge!